The ways I have changed since my divorce

I like who I am. Years ago, in my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s I was not able to say that. First of all, I really had no idea who I was. From living at home to being a wife, was a fluid move and I thought that was just my path. I have changed since getting divorced. Who am I now..

Who the Hell am I?

My goal is never to bash my ex-husband. Sometimes the truth that I share is bashing though. Sadly, my life with him was unhealthy. We had some really good years and have 4 amazing kids to show for the 23 years we were married, but we were at the very least.. toxic.

I had no goals for myself.None. My days revolved around taking care of him and the kids. That is what I enjoyed. It made me feel needed. If I wanted to do something for myself ( and I don’t mean grab a diet coke, or get a facial because I did do that) I felt selfish and self absorbed. Thinking that I mattered as a person was never a reality for me. Feeling that I was important or mattered was just not in my thoughts. I was a stay at home mom which included being a person that only gave and never took. Taking was bad. I felt ashamed that I was unhappy. I had a nice-ish life.

Change

As I was leaving my marriage, my ex husband told me nobody would want me, love me or need me and I would die “fat and alone”. Those words rang through my head for many years. The words played over and over while I was binge eating and gaining 80 lbs. As I was gossiping to make myself feel less pained about myself. The times when I was sad and driving in my car crying because life felt heavy and I was unlovable, so HE said.

Once day, and honestly, I have no idea exactly when it was, things shifted. I began to see myself as important. My self view came into focus and I realized I was not the problem. The words HE said to me, did not have to be true. I am a kind, intelligent and beautiful woman. Could I have said that during my marriage? No. It never dawned on me that I was someone besides mom and wife. Let me say this, I love being a mom and it is a GIGANTIC part of my identify. That is my choice though and I place that in my identity. I loved being a wife. I loved him , I always will love him. Now, I love myself.

What happened?

I had a granddaughter for one. I wanted to be someone she would admire and be proud of. Showing Allie that I was a strong and good woman motivated me. Not all at once, but in bread crumbs that lead me to a trail that I blazed for myself.

As time went on, I felt more and more worthy of a life I wanted. Largely, I started a job that has brought me fulfilment and I am good at. Knowing this is ok. I am allowed to know I am good. It allows me to also place that into my identity pool now. I am a good employee and I am good at what I do. I know it because I have advanced within my role and people have sought me out to work for them. Nobody did that for me, I did it. This was MY hard work, my skills.

I went back to school and got my marketing degree. This was accomplished while working 40 hours a week and going to school full time. I hated most of the classes, but I pressed on . I graduated summa cum laude. Yay me! Allie’s picture sat on my desk, motivating me to keep going and to show myself and Allie that I was able to do this. Wow, proud of myself was a new feeling.

Finding Myself

As things moved along, I realized I would like to be friends with myself. I liked the person I was. Nobody was telling me ” The men in the little white coats are going to take you away”. Nobody was telling me I was ” nutty from watching soap operas and had unrealistic expectations “. No longer was there a husband taunting me with the theme to the Wicked Witch of the West when I walked out of the room. Yeah, that one is funny now but not in the moment. It was sad and damaging. I had removed myself from emotional abuse and controlling behavior. This freedom brought real strength but most of all peace.

Many years passed and I grew and learned. Even with heartache, I felt success. I dated, I fell in love, I ended relationships. I will never again settle. Not a single man has been mean, or purposefully unkind to me again. Life blossomed and I moved to Hawaii and built the life I deserve. I talk more about that here

15 things I learned about who I am

There was a time this list would be unimaginable. I remember looking in the mirror and saying to myself that I was a monster. I must look like one, often felt like one and I must be one because HE told me I was. Screw him!

1. I am a good person
2. My personality is strong .It is who I am
3. I love to serve others and gift giving is my love language. I love to give gifts
4. I am funny
5. I am self sufficient
6. I do not need a romantic relationship to feel loved
7. I am worth standing up for..by myself and those who know me
8. It is ok to put my needs first and second and even third
9. There is no need to put someone down to raise myself up
10. Building my dream life was possible and I did it on my own!
11. I am worthy of love
12. Grief comes in waves. At times you miss people who are hurtful and that is alright
13. The fact that I had past relationships does not mean I was a “whore” yep, HE told me that and I believed it
14. If someone does not bring joy to my life, there is no room for them
15. I am not a monster

I am…enough

I have grown to see that I am allowed to think of myself. It is not wrong to know who you are and to like that person. I do like who I am . I would like to go back to 20 year old me and hug her, tell her she is enough and that it is ok to feel worthy of good things. That being impossible, today I will do that to 55 year old me. I will remind myself that I am good, and worthy and beautiful. Because, I am.